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Letter "A" » Andy Borowitz Quotes
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«After Sept. 11, I didn't write a piece for a couple of days because I thought people wouldn't want me to be funny. This time, it was so obvious what could be written, and I'll continue to write it. I can usually gauge reader response from the number of people who cancel on my e-mail list, and there's been no major withdrawal.»
Author: Andy Borowitz
«Army Offers to Pay Recruits in Gasoline.»
Author: Andy Borowitz
«At the Pentagon, Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld said that the decision to pay recruits in gasoline, while unorthodox, was a 'slam-dunk solution' to the Army's nagging shortfalls in enlistment.»
Author: Andy Borowitz
«I wanted to get away from big, expensive network projects, ... so I moved to New York and I did nothing. And then I discovered the Internet. I didn't think of it as a moneymaker -- I wrote stuff I thought my friends would find funny.»
Author: Andy Borowitz
«I feel like Cal Ripken or something, ... This insanity is all self-imposed.»
Author: Andy Borowitz
«I think the reason that satire is on the rise is because the real news is so bad right now, ... I'd love it if we lived in a world where there was nothing to satire, but given this world, people need satire and comedy right now. ... [Humor] enables us to look at the horrible things going on and survive [them].»
Author: Andy Borowitz
«I am resigning effective immediately. Bo Derek will become the new vice president.»
Author: Andy Borowitz
«Britney is one of our great comedians. She has been hilarious,»
Author: Andy Borowitz
«Who Moved My Soap? The CEO's Guide to Surviving Prison,»
Author: Andy Borowitz
«Get over yourselves with the coffee. You know, we all have it. It's like being famous for mustard or gum.»
Author: Andy Borowitz
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